How Often Should You Visit Your Child in College?
When will your freshman come visit? You miss him terribly. The house is not the same. Your family is not the same. Phone calls aren’t enough. You want to see your freshman face-to-face. Can your freshman visit home more often or should you drive to see him?
Visiting your freshman may be your first instinct. But how do your visits to see him at college impact him? Read below to discover how visiting too often affects your freshman!
If your child lives within a few hours . . .
Many college freshmen do not own a vehicle and cannot afford to buy plan tickets. Driving or flying home every weekend or every month is not a realistic possibility for these students. As a result, you may feel making the trip to see him is a better option.
I would strongly caution you to be careful about visiting too often for the following reasons:
Your freshman may already struggle with homesickness. Seeing you every few weeks may have the opposite effect than you intended, making him feel more rather than less homesick. Your visits are another reminder that he is not at home to enjoy its comforts and familiar surroundings.
Your freshman may struggle to put himself out there. Your frequent visits let him stay in his shell and avoid exploring new interests, friendships, and opportunities. Why would he push himself to make friends if he knows you will be there in a few weeks?
Your freshman may continue to struggle with loneliness. Your visits give him something to look forward to, but once you leave he’s back to reality. These spikes of excitement followed by the sadness of you leaving can sometimes actually increase his loneliness.
Your freshman may have a difficult time staying on top of schoolwork. Your freshman likely wants to spend time with you, and subsequently his homework becomes less of a priority. While you have no intention of side-tracking him from homework, frequent visits give him an excuse not to work on the assignments that desperately need his attention.
If your child lives in the same town . . .
Living in the dorms was maybe something you required your freshman to do, the college required your freshman to do, or something your freshman wanted to do. Even though he lives on campus, you want your freshman to visit you.
However, you may find it is easier to drive to campus yourself. While you may see this as a kindness or help, your freshman may bristle at your frequent visits to campus. Below are possible some of the possible reasons for this reaction:
Your freshman wants to be his own person. In other words, he wants some space. He wants to build his own separate identity from you. While this may seem insulting and feel hurtful, consider his point of view. His whole life he has been identified by a parent or maybe a sibling, and college is his chance to be just him without the pressure of being a member of your family.
Your freshman wants to handle his own problems. Having you near by may actually cause your freshman to take more responsibility. He wants to fix his problems without you jumping in to help. He wants to take some initiative and action on his own behalf.
Your freshman wants to be allowed to think for himself. Your advice and comments may not be as valued as they once were. This may be simply a sign that the transformative process of the college is happening. College is not merely about an academic education. It’s about a transformation of a person, the whole person. Your freshman needs this time to wrestle through beliefs and morals so that he can become an independent entity.
If your child lives a plane ride away . . .
The separation may be a strain on both you and your freshman. If your child attends college in an entirely different region of the country or a different country altogether, this transition to college is incredibly difficult. Not only is your freshman adjusting to higher education, but he is also adjusting to a different culture.
Visiting frequently is likely not possible. The cost alone keeps you separate, even during some holiday seasons. However if you are able to visit frequently, what cautions should you consider?
Your freshman may not be able to skip classes. Your visits are special occasions that require great sacrifice from you, but unfortunately your freshman may not be able to skip his classes for several days. Additionally, tests and quizzes still have to be studied for daily and projects and presentations still have to be prepared by their due dates.
Your freshman may not be able to stay off campus with you. Staying off campus provides your freshman with a nice break from his roommate, but sadly sometimes staying off campus for several days can be more of an inconvenience than a luxury.
Your freshman may have set plans. You freshman has his own schedule that is no longer dependent on you, so you may have to plan around his schedule rather than yours. Social hangouts, club meetings, and other planned events may be already set in stone before you arrive to visit.
So how often is too often?
I’m not a parent or a parenting expert, so ultimately this question boils down your judgment. You know your freshman. Even though he’s changing, you probably have at least an idea of what he would prefer and what would be best for him.
From personal experience as a student and a teacher . . .
I would suggest visiting only one or two times a semester if you live a drivable distance away. First semester specifically is an important time for your freshman to transition to college life.
If you live in the same town, visiting him every month or so may be best. Visiting more than this may feel like smothering him.
If you live a plane ride away, consider saving visits for extremely special occasions like performances, championships, or other events of similar importance.
Consider asking for his input before visiting. Asking for his input helps him see you respect his schedule and time. This thoughtful consideration will likely be well-received.
Your visits should be special and anticipated, not dreaded or stressful. Visiting too frequently may make your visits lose their value. Ensure that your trips to college do not lose that specialness!
