4 Actions That Make a Bad Impression on Your College Freshman
Parenting goes through trends, much like anything else. Sometimes these trends seem to be tied to the generation of the parent. Sometimes these trends seem to be more of a pendulum swing—a reaction to the previous generation.
According to an article by the New York Times, 20th century parenting is characterized by “helicopter” parenting—a hovering style that keeps constant tabs on a child’s every activity. 21st century parenting is characterized as “snow plow” or “lawnmower” parenting—a take-action style that removes obstacles that block a child’s path.
Identifying snowplow parenting can be challenging from the inside, because what may seem like thoughtful, considerate, helpful gestures or actions are in reality different. While it may seem an asset to have a parent who completes tasks that a college freshman is capable of completing, it can hinder this student from developing needed skills.
For example, a college parent might complete detailed paperwork for financial aid or school loans. This action seems easier for the parent, who doesn’t want to be bothered with endless questions and complaints about the paperwork. It also seems easier for the freshman, who is overwhelmed and confused by the paperwork. This short-term solution, however, doesn’t help the freshman understand the terms of the loan or get experience filling out financial documents. In the long run, this easier route makes life harder.
Parenting a college student well can feel impossible. Finding the line between doing enough and doing too much is difficult, but I’m here to help. Below are 4 actions that may seem to be helpful to your freshman but can actually be harmful.
Making decisions that impact your freshman without talking to your freshman
Managing finances, phone bills, medical expenses, and more for a household can be overwhelming. In the process of checking things off your list, you can easily leave your freshman out of the loop.
There certainly are occasions in which you will have to make small decisions that you don’t have time to consult your child about, but these situations usually don’t have significant impact. There are decisions which are more significant and do have a sizable impact on your freshman, and these decisions matter to your freshman. Here are a few examples:
Letting a younger sibling live in your freshman’s room during the school year
Changing the phone plan to include less data
Taking out loans to pay for your freshman’s college education
Borrowing money or items from your freshman while they are away at college
Ultimately, you want your freshman to claim ownership of their education, finances, and more like an adult would. When you forget to consult them or include them in the decision, you can communicate they are not an adult and you don’t really view them as an adult. Let them stake a claim in decisions that impact them, and you’re helping them behave like the adult you want them to be.
Listening to respond to your freshman
Listening is a difficult skill, especially when you know the answer. It’s difficult not to blurt out, “this is what you need to do.” You’ve faced similar situations before, and you know what helped you navigate those waters. Staying silent feels impossible in these situations.
Sometimes though what your freshman really wants is simply a listening ear and nothing more. (Even if this seems like what your child really needs.) You know what needs to be done. Your freshman doesn’t. You see their need to take action or to get help, but your freshman isn’t ready for this step yet. In these times, your best option is listening and asking questions.
Refuse to listen in order to respond or to offer unwanted advice. This can do more harm than good in your relationship with your freshman. Your freshman eventually will realize you have good advice to offer (although sometimes this doesn’t happen until after college), and they’ll know who to ask. Right now, they’re not ready for your advice.
Being inconsistent in your actions
Parents have some of the best intentions possible. Your desire is to help pay that school bill. Your desire is to purchase a car for college. Your desire is to provide spending money. Reality, however, is different. Though you want the best for your freshman and want to provide the best for your freshman, sometimes the best isn’t possible.
When you verbally speak of things you want to do for your freshman, sometimes your freshman can take this as fact. If you say, “I’d like to help you pay for _________.” In your freshman’s mind, this may be a done deal. However, over time and after feeling the disappointment of this action not coming to fruition, your freshman feels less inclined to trust these statements.
When you find yourself wanting to promise good things, choose to state what’s true right now, now what you hope will be true later. These kinds of let-downs can irrevocably damage the trust between you and your freshman.
Offering to advocate on your freshman’s behalf on matters of inconvenience or frustration
One of the biggest lessons freshmen learn their first year of college is how to advocate for themselves. (Ideally, this is a skill they’ve been developing in high school.) Your child, however, can’t develop this skill if they’re rarely given opportunities to exercise this skill.
Taking care of obstacles or inconveniences temporarily relieves your freshman from a situation, but this action only works in the long term to stunt your child’s growth. Your freshman may initially appreciate your calling a professor about a bad grade. After a while, this can lead your freshman to feel entitled to a certain level of treatment. They deserve to have a certain quality of life and view other people or situations as obstacles. This also can result in another extreme--your freshman resenting you. They think you don’t believe they’re able or skilled enough to handle these situations on their own, so why try? Neither pathway leads to them being a healthy, successful, well-adjusted adult.
While your parenting style may evolve, your impression may last a little longer. Your freshman likely won’t remember everything you did, but they will remember how you made them feel. You can’t be the perfect parent (no one can), but you can strive to build a parent-child relationship built on trust.
