9 Ways to Think About Your Role as a College Parent
You learned how to navigate your relationship with your freshman in his time at college. As break approaches, you have some concerns. You want to invest in your freshman’s life but are no longer sure what your role is.
Depending on your parenting philosophy and style, you may feel like your role has not changed that much. However, when your freshman comes home, you may find yourself struggling with who you are supposed be to your freshman and how you are supposed to act.
You don’t want to hover over your freshman, controlling every little aspect of his life. You also don’t want to blaze the path for your freshman, eliminating all known obstacles in his path. You know he needs to develop adult skills. So, how do you fit in?
In past years, you have were heavily involved in your child’s life. When he was too young to walk, you fed him, dressed him, changed him, etc. You were intricately engaged in every detail of his life.
As your child grew older, your involvement was less and less, and now that your child is a college freshman you might feel slightly lost. You deeply love and care for him. You want him to be as successful as possible. You have big dreams for him. How can you still be involved in his life?
Your parenting philosophy and style may vary greatly from your parent’s. You don’t want your child to experience the same negative parenting that you you experienced. You want something better for your child.
When you think of your parenting role, to what do you compare it? This is an important question to consider. Your level of involvement and amount of personal attention is greatly determined by how you see your role.
There are several well-meaning comparisons by which college parents describe their parenting role. However, no one comparison is flawless. Some do not leave room for a college freshman to grow, mature, and develop into a successful adult.
How should and shouldn’t college parents think about their role? No one comparison accurately describes the perfect college parent, but these 9 comparisons to college parenting styles are a tool to help you. Consider which one or ones will best help your child succeed right now and in the long run.
Comparison #1: Your college parenting role may look like a guide.
You may think of yourself as your freshman’s guide. You forge the path ahead, because you’ve traveled the path yourself. You know the best route and you provide specific directions that include tips and tricks to succeed. You pave the way forward to the destination.
This comparison has some helpful aspects. Your life experience is incredibly valuable. You can help your freshman navigate the exciting but challenging years ahead. You can insert insights into your freshman’s planning and thinking.
This comparison also has some unhelpful aspects. Your freshman often learns best by experience. If he never has to grapple with personal failures or solving his own problems, adulthood will be overwhelming. He will feel a little like an inexperienced swimmer thrown into the deep end of a pool. Constantly mapping out your freshman’s path for him will not help him learn. Your freshman needs to be able to look ahead and plan for himself.
Comparison #2: Your college parenting role may look like a coach.
You may consider yourself to be his life coach (and not in a trendy way). You cheer on your freshman, praising his successes. You provide pep-talks when your child is lonely or struggling with grades. When a tough call needs to be made, you step in and call the shots. You help lead your freshman to victory.
This comparison has some helpful aspects. You celebrate a job well-done. You reward hard work. You show that with determination and practice your freshman can achieve almost anything. You help your freshman develop and master important skills to succeed.
This comparison also has some unhelpful aspects. By providing the game-plan, you withhold this opportunity from your freshman. He does not have the opportunity to learn this important skill. By laying out the skills necessary to succeed, you prevent your freshman from analyzing and identifying these needed skills for himself. By calling important shots, your freshman struggles to solve his own problems. He may even think he is incapable or untrustworthy when solving problems.
Comparison #3: Your college parenting role may look like a teacher.
You provide helpful advice on a regular basis. You make yourself available when needed. You use your own personal experiences to share and illustrate important concepts. You provide tough love when necessary. You are demanding but fair, and you always seek to build a relationship of trust.
This comparison has some helpful aspects. Your advice is often helpful and pertinent. Your tough love is needed and often pushes your freshman on to success. You raise the bar, so that your freshman learns to do his best always. Your freshman benefits from your mentoring and probably trusts most of your instincts.
This comparison has unhelpful aspects. Your freshman sometimes resents your reminders, viewing them as insulting or even controlling. Your helpful, personal stories can sometimes accomplish the exact opposite of what you intended. Rather than seeing the similarities, your freshman identifies the differences and sees your anecdotes as mostly irrelevant to his situation. Your constructively critical remarks come across like a scolding or a lecture, rather than helpful warnings or guidance.
Comparison #4: Your college parenting role may look like a confidant.
You think of your freshman as a friend. You share the details of your life with him and sometimes ask for his advice or thoughts. You share some information with only your freshman. You have a special relationship that fills a need in both of your lives.
This comparison has some helpful aspects. Your trust in one another has built up a level of respect. You can freely share information with each other without feeling uncomfortable. You are open to dialogue and discuss areas in which you disagree.
This comparison also has some unhelpful aspects. Freely sharing private information with your freshman can instill a lack of respect for other authority figures. Your freshman may struggle knowing the boundaries when interacting with his supervisor or teacher. Your freshman may also have an attitude of entitlement and superiority when interacting with peers.
Comparison #5: Your college parenting role may look like a landlord.
You are passive. You allow your freshman to keep his business to himself, allowing him to share when he feels it necessary. You are not involved in the details of his day to day life. You only step in when your action is necessary.
This comparison has some helpful aspects. You do not try to come down to your freshman’s level. You do not allow yourself to become emotionally involved in overly dramatic events in your freshman’s life. You are objective and give your freshman room to struggle and figure out his problems. You do not hold past mistakes over your freshman’s head.
This comparison has some unhelpful aspects. Staying detached from parts of your freshman’s life can give the impression that you do not care for your freshman. When you wait to step in until necessary, your interest may look self-oriented. In other words, you seem to care only when you are personally inconvenienced.
Comparison #6: Your college parenting role may look like a gatekeeper.
You prevent your freshman from hurt, unfair treatment, and other obstacles. You take your freshman’s side when problems arise. You try to keep your freshman sheltered from potential evils.
This comparison has some helpful aspects. You are keenly aware of the pressures and problems your freshman is facing, because you are in regular contact. Your freshman knows you will always have his back. You are willing and able to help in times of trouble.
This comparison also has some unhelpful aspects. Your involvement can sometimes be suffocating to your freshman. He feels pressure to share every detail of his life with you, which leaves him with two choices: sharing everything or living a double-life (the one he tells you about and the one he truly lives). Your freshman may also feel a lack of confidence when making decisions, because he’s never had to face obstacles without your help. Your protective attitude may leave him thinking someone else is at fault when obstacles arise.
Comparison #7: Your college parenting role may look like a protector.
You are quick to defend your freshman when he has earned a shockingly bad grade or been treated unfairly. You spring into action when your freshman’s living situation is difficult. You stand up for your freshman when he experiences mistreatment and fight on his behalf when necessary.
This comparison has some helpful aspects. Your love, care, and loyalty cannot be questioned. You are wary of potential dangers and help your freshman to be wary too. Your freshman does not need to fear being rejected or threatened by you.
This comparison also has some unhelpful aspects. Your protection can leave your freshman defenseless post-college. Because you always solved his problems, he feels lost when faced with difficult situations. Your freshman tends to blame his less-than-perfect lifestyle, finances, work title, etc. on others. His decision-making process is slow but also frantic.
Comparison #8: Your college parenting role may look like a support structure.
You always support your freshman’s passions. You encourage him to pursue his dreams, regardless of the difficulty. You are always available to answer his calls and provide a listening ear.
This comparison has some helpful aspects. You are a reliable fixture in his life. He knows that if something goes wrong, he can rely on you. You are stability in this time of transition in his life. He knows that you are care for him and always think the best of him.
This comparison also has some unhelpful aspects. Your freshman uses you as a fallback when his life crumbles or when he makes extremely unwise decisions.You can be too forgiving sometimes. When your freshman needs some tough love, painful consequences, or a dose of realism, you are quick to jump in and help.
Comparison #9: Your college parenting role may look like a role model.
You set the example for your freshman by the way you live your life. You are consistent. You lead the way into adulthood, showing how an adult should behave. You live your life as a pattern for your children to imitate.
This comparison has some helpful aspects. You set the tone. You don’t allow your freshman to manipulate or use you to do his work. You encourage him to work hard, show gratitude, and have integrity regardless of the consequences. Your freshman is well-prepared when entering into adulthood, because he has seen you model proper adult behavior his whole life.
This comparison has some unhelpful aspects. Your freshman may find your modeling intimidating, thinking you are faultless. Your freshman may feel like he can never measure up to your example. Your freshman may make different life choices but feel as if he cannot share them with you.
No one comparison is the “right” one when it comes to parenting. Parenting is difficult, and every child is different. No one parent has the magic recipe. Hopefully this brief analysis of different parenting comparisons will help guide you as you seek to find your role in your freshman’s life.
