How to Prepare for Your Freshman Coming Home for Summer Break
You and your freshman have been counting down the days. You cannot wait for her to come home! You made special plans for the summer, and you’re so excited she gets to be part of those plans.
Your freshman is excited to be home too, but you may notice some changes in her. How can you help her adjust to being home again? Remember these 4 things about your freshman’s arrival home for summer break.
1. Remember your freshman requires some time to adjust.
Your child’s college schedule has demanded an adjustment to a different environment and a faster pace of life. When your freshman returns home from college, she will have to adjust to life at home again. This adjustment will take more time.
Because summer break is much longer than the Thanksgiving break, holiday break, or spring break, it will require greater adjustments. Putting up with inconveniences and annoyances for a few weeks or less is much different than putting up with them for months.
Your child will face these same three challenges at the end of the school year. First, your freshman will face exhaustion. End of the year exhaustion is extreme, especially if your freshman regularly stayed up all night to study for finals. Your child will take at least weeks of sleeping in to feel back to her normal self.
Do not be alarmed if your freshman sleeps late into the day after returning home. Your freshman needs to catch up on sleep. Once she starts her summer work, your freshman will adjust to a more regular sleep schedule.
Do not be concerned if your freshman keeps to herself. She needs some space to recover from being constantly surrounded by other college students. The social pressures of college life can be exhausting, especially if your freshman struggled to make friends or experienced relationship drama.
Do not feel the need to provide the same kind of parenting you used to when your freshman was a high school student. For example, your freshman no longer requires wake-up calls. Your freshman may feel frustrated, embarrassed, or even insulted by a parent knocking on the bedroom door. Your freshman is perfectly capable of waking up in time. If she struggles with waking up on time, she needs to learn this lesson now, not later on in adulthood.
Second, your freshman will face stress. The end of the second semester comes with more stress. Final projects, studying for finals, and packing for home all demand her time. Your freshman likely feels more pressure with her academics and limited finances.
Do not add stress to this time of the year if possible. Your freshman is likely feeling pressure to secure future work plans and pull up her GPA. Asking questions to which your freshman does not have the answer may be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Be careful that your conversations do not provide additional stress to her hectic life.
Do not assume your freshman has her transportation home figured out. If you have not discussed how your freshman will return home, she likely does not know what you would like her to do. Remember this is likely her first time packing all of her belongings completely by herself, because she had you to help her when she came to college.
Third, your freshman will be home again. Your freshman has probably been home a few times since first going to college, but this break is slightly different. Instead of staying for weeks, your freshman will be staying at home for months.
Being home for this long can be challenging for your freshman. Even if you have a healthy relationship, your freshman will struggle to be back in the same setting. She may struggle to see how she fits in with your family or her high school friends.
Being away for most of last year has given her a new perspective on you, your home, and your family. Your freshman may have a hard time relating with your family, because she feels more connected to her college friends than even you. Eventually she will figure out how to fit in again, but this process will take time.
Your freshman needs some time to adjust to being home. Although she’s only been gone for months, coming back home for summer break requires her to transition again. You can help this adjustment go smoothly!
2. Remember your freshman has changed.
This first year of college has been literally life-changing for your freshman. She doesn't feel like she is the same person, and you’ve probably noticed some differences. Your child is no longer a child, she is a young adult.
College has forced her to change in four specific ways. First, your freshman has matured during her time at college. Your freshman has learned how to manage her time, deal with her own problems, and interact with people much different than her.
Your freshman is able to govern herself. She no longer needs you to guide her every decision. Your child can make difficult choices, choose good friends, and plan her own schedule without any of your assistance.
As a result of her maturing, you do not need to provide reminders. Although meant to be a help, your reminders can harm, not help, your relationship with your college freshman. Instead, try asking questions that cause her to think. Your freshman will appreciate this approach.
As a result of her maturing, you do not need to step in and solve most of her problems. In high school, you may have been your child’s ally. But now your freshman usually does not need you to intercede on her behalf. Be available to help when your freshman asks for it but be careful not to take over.
Second, your freshman has become independent. Your freshman does not rely on you like she did in the past. College has given her autonomy and freedom to control her life.
Your freshman no longer depends on you for most things. She has developed adult skills that help her navigate her day-to-day life. While not being needed can sometimes be hard, remember your freshman’s independence is a good thing.
As a result of her independence, your freshman will often have her own plans. You may have had favorite meals prepared, family game nights planned, or family vacation trips scheduled. Remember that your freshman has plans too. Be sure to communicate family events far in advance, so that your freshman can adjust her schedule.
As a result of her independence, your freshman will struggle to keep you in the loop. You may feel like your freshman is never home or you rarely know where she is. While you want to respect her independence, you may have to her down and request that she share her plans more than a day in advance. Remember that at college her plans could be last minute and spontaneous, so keeping you updated may not have occurred to her.
Third, your freshman’s life has centered around her. This is often one of the biggest adjustments. When at college, your freshman’s life revolved entirely around her needs and desires. Now at home, your freshman has to fit back into your family.
Your freshman may become frustrated by having to communicate with you so often, but she needs to realize communicating often is part of being at home. You need to know what is going on in her life, and she needs to be aware of what is going on in your life.
As a result of her autonomy, you may need to start the summer by setting some ground rules. Your freshman is no longer a child, however, some basic rules may prevent intense conflict. Your freshman may resist having any rules, but she needs to understand that living at your home means that she needs to be courteous.
For example, your freshman struggles to keep her room clean. You constantly have issues with her leaving her clothes scattered across the floor. While you could repeatedly remind her, the bigger issue here is that she is being inconsiderate.
As a result of her autonomy, you may need to discuss how much communication and what kind of communication you expect. Just like at college, your freshman needs to know how often you expect her to communicate with you. Weeks can easily go by without having any real conversations with your freshman.
Clearly communicate what she needs to communicate with you throughout the summer. Decide what things you want to be informed about—like work hours, spending the night at a friends, or special trips. Your freshman will be unaware about what you expect unless you tell her.
Your freshman has changed but may not know what rules and expectations have changed. She may even be confused or frustrated about living at home again. Help your freshman understand what has and has not changed about living at home!
3. Remember your freshman still needs you.
You may feel your role is completely obsolete in your freshman’s life. Depending on how you view your parenting role, you may be struggling with not being needed anymore. You like helping your freshman, and you may miss the kind of relationship you used to have.
Adjusting to this new stage of parenting can be challenging, but remember that your freshman still needs you. She is still learning, growing, and developing into the adult she will be. Even if she’s unaware that she needs you, she still does.
This time of life may change how involved you are in her life. Remember these two things about your involvement. First, your role has changed. Your freshman no longer requires the hand-holding she once did. She is capable of making decisions, even if you think she makes bad ones.
As a result of your new role, you may need to let go more. Letting go is difficult, even though you’ve been doing it all school year. Your freshman’s irritating attitudes and irrational choices may frustrate you, but you need to allow her to fail.
For example, your freshman works an early morning shift at her summer job. She repeatedly stays up until the early hours of the morning and fails to wake up on time for work. You may be tempted to remind her to get more sleep or to wake her so that she will not arrive late to work. Unfortunately the best way for her to take responsibility is to let her deal with the consequences of failing to wake up on time.
As a result of your new role, you may need to provide guidance rather than commands. Your freshman is entering the stage of life where she needs to make her own choices. She needs to govern her own life.
Your freshman needs to encouragement, guidance, and support. At this point, you are less of a law-maker. Be there to help her when she needs your help, but carefully refrain from making her choices for her.
Second, your freshman needs to wrestle with her identity and beliefs. Your freshman needs to decide who she is and who she wants to be. She needs to shape her future plans around this identity. You can help her do so by listening to her and allowing her to ask tough questions.
As a result of your freshman’s struggle, your freshman may be grappling with these her identity and beliefs. She may have uncomfortable and awkward questions, but if you do not listen to her and attempt to answer her questions she will likely go to other sources to get information. Here are two specific situations in which freshman struggle:
If your home is very religious, your freshman needs to claim her faith for herself. You cannot force her to adhere to a set of principles any more, but you can help her wrestle with the “why” or “how” questions.
If your home is very political, your freshman needs to claim her political party for herself. You cannot force her to vote for one candidate or another, but you can have healthy discussions where you come to different conclusions.
As a result of your freshman’s struggle, you may need to engage in tough discussions. Start by acknowledging the legitimacy of her questions. Instead of correcting her for asking the questions, admit these questions are important. Point her to helpful resources and be willing to discuss opposing viewpoints.
Be honest, because your freshman can see through the facade. Sometimes you need to be willing to say, “I don’t know.” Even if you have to do some more research before getting back to her, your freshman will respect your willingness to have tough discussions about complicated topics.
Your freshman needs you, even if she doesn’t admit that she does. You can help guide your freshman even though your role has changed and your freshman’s views have changed. Be willing to step aside and engage in tough conversations!
4. Remember your freshman misses college.
Your freshman probably does not know what to expect when coming home for summer break. This experience is brand new to her. She might be surprised to find out that she actually misses college.
Your freshman probably misses these three things about college life. First, your freshman misses having a consistent schedule. She never thought she’d miss college classes, but she does miss having her daily schedule planned.
Her summer job can be fairly unpredictable. She feels like she is constantly working, sleeping, or eating. To her surprise, her college schedule provided predictability and order to her life. Life outside of college is less jam-packed, which may make her feel bored at times.
Second, your freshman misses having a college social life. Having friends close at hand was wonderful. Your freshman loved the spontaneous runs for fast food, the random late night chats about life, and the shared experiences with classmates.
Many students struggle to stay in contact over the summer. After parting ways, your freshman may feel like no one ever responds to her texts or initiates hanging out. She feels lonelier now than she did during her first semester.
Third, your freshman misses having freedom. She misses being able to come and go as she pleases. College life provided some boundaries, but being home has provided more boundaries.
Even well-meaning gestures on your part may make her feel stifled. Checking in or having heart-to-heart conversations may feel awkward with you. She may struggle to adjust to being back in your home.
How can you help your freshman? Start with realizing that she misses college. Your freshman may be feeling down, even depressed. Coming off the high of college life is hard. Reconciling who she used to be with who she is now will take time.
Be patient with your impatient freshman. She is most likely struggling, even if she doesn’t tell you. Be available to talk, but refrain from forcing conversations on her. Allow her to open up about the adjustment to living back at home when she is ready.
Your freshman is finally home, but as the weeks go on she seems less and less excited about being on break. The reality of living at home sets in, and she may struggle. Remembering these four things can help this transition from college to home go smoothly as possible.
