In my years as a high school teacher, I could tell much about my students’ home life from their behavior. I specifically observed the parenting styles of each home, even if I rarely interacted with the parents. I could tell which parents allowed their children to complain continually, demanded perfect grades, or valued athletic accomplishments.

Parenting is difficult. It is, and even when you try your best you still feel as if you’re lacking. I am not a parent, but I can speak from the perspective of a former student and a teacher. Whether you are aware of it or not, your freshman is picking up more from your behavior than you may realize.

How can you keep instilling important values and quality character in your freshman? Carefully model character at home. Your freshman is picking up what good character looks like from you, so carefully consider your own character in these 4 areas.

1. Your freshman learns what respect looks like from you.

When I speak with other educators about their bad teaching experiences, the topic of respect often comes up. Teaching a class with even one or two disrespectful students is incredibly challenging, because it only takes one negative student to sour the class’s attitude towards a teacher.

Disrespectful attitudes and behaviors make the learning process difficult, even for a seasoned teacher. So, how can you help your student learn to respect her teachers and peers (even when she doesn’t like them)? Model respect in these four relationships.

First, your freshman notices the way you talk about your significant other and the manner in which you treat your significant other. She sees how you react when you disagree or are hurt. Your freshman notices the way you talk about your significant other when he or she is not there. She is knowingly or unknowingly looking to you as the pattern for what is and is not acceptable in a relationship.

You cannot act or speak correctly at all times, because you are only human. However, intentionally speaking respectfully about your significant other is noticed by your freshman. She will emulate this behavior in her own relationships.

Second, your freshman notices the way you talk about your boss and the manner in which you treat your boss. Your child observes your conversations about your boss when you come home from work. She learns what is appropriate to say about an employer or supervisor from you. Unless your freshman is taught otherwise, she will imitate this behavior with her own employer.

Purpose to speak respectfully about your boss. When your supervisor is narrow-minded, withholding, or poorly communicating, demonstrate how a good employee should respond. Show how you can rise above a difficult employer with your words and actions.

Third, your freshman notices the way you talk about government officials and the manner in which you treat government officials. This is a pain point that not many people are discussing. Whether or not you approve of or admire your government officials, your attitude toward them and conversations about them are setting an example for future generations.

Instead of sharing hatefully worded rants or bluntly responding to opposing political viewpoints on social media, carefully consider how you react. Political tensions can sometimes blind people to the resulting effects of their behavior. Be oh so careful that you are exemplifying what it looks like to disagree without being hateful or hurtful.

Fourth, your freshman notices the way you talk about your peers and the manner in which you treat your peers. When you come home from work, how do you talk about your coworkers? Your freshman notices. She hears about how you react to dysfunctional peers or how you treat opinionated coworkers.

Moderate how much you share. You do need to process your day, but be careful what you say and how strongly you say it. Your freshman is watching and listening. She may look to your example as the standard for how she should treat classmates or coworkers.

2. Your freshman learns what integrity looks like from you.

When push comes to shove, will you be honest? Even when it’s inconvenient or uncomfortable, your integrity or lack thereof is being observed by your freshman. While this is a scary position, it is one which gives you an opportunity to demonstrate good character. Four specific instances communicate much to your wide-eyed freshman who is just entering the adult world.

First, the way in which you act when no one is looking or takes notice loudly sends a message to your child. Being in school still, your freshman can easily fall into a performance mindset. Her grades can easily become the most important thing, and when put in a tight spot she will be tempted to cheat.

Demonstrate honesty even when you could get away with fudging the numbers or stretching the truth is important. Your freshman can learn that telling the truth is more important than any temporary gain. Her character does matter even when no one seems to notice.

Second, the way in which you respond when you are frustrated communicates much to your child. Your freshman regularly has feelings of frustration or anger, and so do you. Your freshman pauses and watches how you react.

Resolve conflict, get back up after failure, and apologize when you are wrong. Your freshman is learning how to interact with the world as an adult, and she needs to see how an adult should rightly respond to frustration.

Third, the way in which you deal with problems enlightens your freshman. In her immaturity, your freshman may have a hard time dealing with mistakes, problems, or failure. She may automatically want to bend the truth or throw in the towel and quit, but your example can teach her much more than any pep talk you could provide.

Show her that mistakes will happen, problems will pop up, failure will occur but life moves on. Knowing how to face problems head on is an adult skill that your freshman needs. Your example, however embarrassing it may be for you personally, shows your freshman that even you face problems and get back up.

Fourth, the way in which you respond to being challenged to grow or do better communicates much to your freshman. Your freshman is regularly being pushed academically, socially, and physically. From her perspective, you seem to have life figured out.

Your freshman needs to know that you still have to figure it out sometimes too. You don’t know the solution to every problem, but that doesn’t keep you from continuing to learn and grow.

3. Your freshman learns what diligence looks like from you.

Working hard or hardly working—your freshman probably knows that you work hard to provide for her, but sometimes she can miss the message that she needs to do the same. Your example of diligence can instill in her a desire to work hard.

Persistently working hard is the lifestyle of many parents. You do so much for your freshman that she is completely unaware of and probably will never know. Her observations of how you deal with failure, success, and disappointment can teach her much about what true diligence looks like.

First, your continued diligence after failing speaks volumes. If your freshman struggles with perfectionism, her definition of failure may be unrealistic (e.g. getting a B). While you appreciate her desire to excel, she needs to see that failing is a part of life.

Failure often teaches much more than success. Seeing how you react to personal failures can help your freshman react correctly to failure. Wallowing in it, complaining, blaming others—these are the typical reactions to failure. By getting back up, learning, and moving on, your freshman will see that successful adults are resilient. They don’t let failure keep them down for long.

Second, your continued diligence after succeeding shows character. The obvious temptation after achieving a personal success is to slack off (at least temporarily). While you should enjoy your successes and celebrate them, you know that success is only temporary and tomorrow brings new challenges.

Your freshman needs to see this firsthand. She needs to realize that one success doesn’t mean it’s time to take it easy or stop working so hard. Adulthood requires consistent effort, even after encouraging and exciting successes.

Third, your continued diligence after disappointment reveals persistence. Unfortunately, you cannot prevent your freshman from experiencing disappointment, nor can you prevent your own personal disappointments from occurring. Exemplifying continued effort after crushing disappointment conveys much more than your words ever could.

Your freshman will see that disappointment is part of life and should be used to fuel, not stall, personal effort. Learning to handle disappointing news or relationships helps to build character. Help your freshman clearly see the value of continued effort even after disappointment.

4. Your freshman learns what kindness looks like from you.

“Be kinder than you feel” sounds nice on a t-shirt but is much more difficult to live out on a daily basis. When teaching high school students, this phrase was my motto. On some days, I felt anything but kind. Being sympathetic and understanding became increasingly difficult as the school year went along.

As a parent, you regularly hear your freshman’s struggles, complaints, and dramatic encounters. Your temptation may be to tell her to pull herself up by the bootstraps or simply get over it, but consider how your example in these four situations can communicate much more than any advice you could share.

First, how you respond after being hurt illustrates kindness or a lack thereof. Experiencing hurt is not something that only children or young adults feel. Your freshman may not realize that you regularly experience these feelings as well.

Responding in kindness rather than bitterness or resentment shows strength of character. Sharing gossip, spreading lies, or inwardly stewing is much easier. Show your freshman how adults should respond to hurt correctly.

Second, how you respond after being lied about displays kindness or the lack of it. Your freshman may or may not have experienced the effects of harmful gossip within her friend groups. College freshmen often struggle with some level of personal drama, but seeing your example can help your freshman see how adults should respond to slander.

Confronting the instigators one-on-one, seeking to make restitution, and choosing to forgive are all important skills your freshman needs to learn. Seeing you demonstrate the proper way to deal with these issues can help her learn how to solve her own problems.

Third, how you respond to being used exhibits kindness or a lack of kindness. At one point or another, you have experienced being used. No one likes the feelings of betrayal and anger that follow.

Your freshman may have experienced being used on a small level already. Dealing with backstabbing from a so-called friend is challenging, even for fully grown adults. Help your freshman learn how to handle these situations.

Fourth, how you respond to being rejected demonstrates kindness or the lack thereof. This may be difficult for you to share with your freshman. Being rejected is incredibly painful and personal, but displaying how adults should respond to rejection is important.

Your freshman will experience rejection during or after college. Whether she’s rejected from a work position, a club, or a major, she will need pick up the pieces after being rejected. Your example of responding kindly can communicate even more than the wisest words could.

Your freshman’s character matters. She is learning respect, integrity, diligence, and kindness from somewhere. Help her learn these important character qualities from you. Demonstrate that your freshman’s character counts just as much as yours.