College Isn’t the Best Time of Your Freshman’s Life
Teachers say it, administrators say it, and even parents say it: “College is the best time of your life.” I think I know what these individuals are trying to say. They’re saying that this was a good time in their life—a time they look back on with fond memories.
At the beginning of the last school year, I sat in a meeting where I heard this statement used. I instantly winced. College was certainly not the best time of my life (though it was a good time in my life).
Before college, I remember hearing mentors sharing similar advice with me. While they didn’t always use the exact words “college is the best time of your life,” the idea was implied or promoted with stories about college life.
That notion (of college being the best years) was quickly shattered my freshman year. College was not “fun.” It wasn’t the “best.” In fact, most days I felt completely overwhelmed and exhausted. Freshman me thought: is this really as good as life gets?
In reality, the idea of college being the best is misleading. Why? College probably won’t the best time in your child’s life. In fact, college may be one of the most stretching and challenging times of your freshman’s life.
How can you help your freshman begin freshman year with realistic expectations? Consider implementing these two practices!
Share the good, the bad, and the ugly stories.
Humans (thankfully) tend to recall more good memories than bad ones. When looking back over formative periods of our lives, failed relationships, or personal losses, we tend to remember more positive than negative aspects. College is similar.
If you went to college, you likely don’t remember much about the late night study sessions, the difficult projects, the hectic schedule, etc. You probably remember more about the fun times with friends, the inspiring teachers, etc.
While you have no intention of communicating that college life was easy or all fun, sometimes by only sharing the good memories you may be communicating just that. Your child may get the impression that college was not difficult or frustrating for you at times.
While there’s no need to dig up forgotten memories of being hurt, consider inserting more stories about the rough parts of college—mistakes you made, lessons you learned, and opportunities you wished you’d taken. Why? Your child needs to hear all of the stories, not just the ones with positive outcomes.
These conversations can help your child prepare for college and adulthood:
Start the conversation about failing: Failure often teaches your child lessons that no other experience will. Sometimes parents take their child’s failures personally. Please don’t. Failure, although sometimes painful and even embarrassing, can be a tool used to help your child succeed at college and in life.
Normalize failure: Failure is a necessary part of life. It happens, even when your child is incredibly prepared. However, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Failing and coping with failure is often the foundation on which real learning happens. And learning, after all, isn’t as much about earning good grades as knowing how to live well.
Build trust: If you present a seemingly perfect image of your past and present, your freshman may not feel comfortable sharing an embarrassing failure. By talking about failure and admitting to failure, you are helping to build trust and understanding with your child so that discussing their failure is something they can trust you with.
Talk realistically about the start of college.
Freshman year is an exciting time. Your child’s expectations are likely already incredibly high, and discussing the possible future and opportunities excites you too.
You don’t want to deflate your child’s enthusiasm or talk negatively about college. However, you certainly don’t want to talk too optimistically about college, resulting in your child’s spirit being crushed.
So how can you be excited with your freshman without raising their hopes too high? Talk realistically about the following things:
Classes: You may have loved your classes (at least from what you can remember), but your freshman may not immediately like their classes. Your freshman may even dislike their college major to the point of wanting to switch majors. Disliking some classes is fairly normal, because many of the classes are designed to train your freshman to follow detailed instructions.
Dorm life: Your freshman may have a mediocre or even horrible roommate. Having a roommate who eventually becomes a best friend is unlikely. Coming to live in the dorms should start with low expectations (You’re just roommates.).
Dating: Your freshman is unlikely to find a soulmate during the first few months of college, but college can be a good place to meet a potential life partner. Cautiously make broad statements about dating at college. Every child is different, and every dating relationship is different.
Friendships: College friendships can last a lifetime, but they can also fizzle after graduation. Your freshman will probably struggle with feelings of loneliness in the first months of college. Finding a friend or group of friends takes time, especially when entering a new stage of life.
Extracurriculars: School clubs, sororities, fine art groups, sports teams--these can be some of the most rewarding parts of college. These extracurriculars can also be a major drain on your freshman’s time. Your freshman may eventually be able to add on some of these extra things, but first semester might not be the best time for them.
College probably won’t be the best time in your freshman’s life, but it can be a good time in their life. Help your child start college with realistic expectations for the years ahead!
