10 Questions College Parents Should Ask Before Freshman Year Starts
Your high school graduate is only weeks away from college. Before packing the car, moving into the dorms, and saying your goodbyes, consider what things you would like to share with your freshman.
Spending these last weeks in meaningful ways is important, because leaving home on a bad foot can sometimes encourage rebellious actions in your freshman. Plan some time to sit down and ask your soon-to-be freshman these 10 questions.
1. How often would you like for me to check in on you?
Although your child may not be entirely sure of her schedule at this point, she likely already has a pretty good idea about how much contact she would like with you. Her answer can help clue you into how much or little space she prefers to chat (at least in the first few weeks).
While you should certainly have a say in how often you call, respecting her wishes by trying to reach a compromise will go over well. This new stage of life can be incredibly difficult for parents to balance, and this step of initiative will prove that you are trying to let go and allow her to have her own space.
This would also be a good time to share how often you would like to hear from your new college student. Unfortunately, calling home can be the last thing on the mind of an overwhelmed freshman, so sometimes she may forget to return calls or take the time to answer. Letting her know that hearing from her is important to you will help her realize (before college starts) that checking-in needs to be an important item on her to-do list.
2. What is the best way to contact you?
Connected with how often should be the question of how: how would you like me to contact you? Acting on assumption, based on your own preference, is usually the default when connecting with someone. The reality is though that different people, especially from different age groups, prefer different methods of contact.
This certainly isn’t a surprise to you, but your child probably doesn’t love talking on the phone. Texting or direct messaging through social media are probably the two forms which your child uses to contact friends. While a lengthy voicemail may mean a lot to you, a text may mean the same to your child. Try your best, even though it will not feel natural to you, to move at least some of your communication to your child’s preferred method.
Your child needs to be aware of your preferred method too, so this conversation would be a good time to bring up what you prefer. Sharing this in a face-to-face is a better way to communicate what you expect. As the semester continues, your child’s preferred method of contact may change. Revisiting this conversation halfway through the semester may be a good idea. You want to make it easy for your child to contact you.
3. When is the best time to contact you?
Maybe even more important than how you contact your child is when you contact her. If you consistently call at inconvenient or stressful times for her, your conversations may have the tendency to be filled with tears or frustration. If you consistently call on a full day, your child may keep the conversation very short because of having hours of homework to complete before tomorrow.
Obviously, your child only has a some idea of what her college schedule will look like right now. But, after registering for classes and being in her classes for a few weeks, she will have a much better idea of what days and times are good for her.
More than anything, asking about what time she prefers communicates respect to your child. You are showing you respect her, rather than forcing her to accommodate to you. Respect often leads to trust. As you enter this new stage of your parenting, you want you and your child to have mutual respect and trust for one another. Communicate you respect your child’s schedule by asking when phone calls or texts work best for her.
4. Should I expect you to visit on the occasional weekend?
If your child’s campus is not far from home, you probably will hope or maybe even plan on her visiting occasionally. Visiting home too often or feeling pressure to visit home every weekend may add extra stress to your freshman’s already stressful life. However, occasional visits can help ease into college life and lessen feelings of loneliness and homesickness.
Be careful not to pressure your child to visit more than necessary, especially in the first few weeks. These weeks are important for her. They determine many things—study habits, entering friend groups, etc. Asking how often you should expect her visits will also allow you to judge frequently she will need to stay in her old room.
She needs to use this time to transition into her new “home” for the school year. This question helps provide opportunities for you to discuss the social challenges ahead. While you certainly don’t want to frighten her or add anxiety to this transitory time, you do want to help her prepare for her challenges ahead.
5. When would be a good time for me to visit you?
The opposite situation is important to discuss too. While you may be already planning when you can visit her at college, be sure this is something she welcomes. Some students need space and time to adjust before interacting face-to-face with family again.
Your child, however, may be the exact opposite. She may beg you to visit, take her to Walmart, bring her homemade food, etc. This can be a tricky situation for a parent. Know that merely because your child wants you to come doesn’t mean you need to feel pressure to visit.
You don’t need to feel guilty if you don’t have vacation days available, or you merely are too busy to make a trip. You have a life too, and she needs to know that you will do all you can to help but you cannot always come and whisk her away—even if you really want to.
6. How and where can I store your belongings left at home?
College freshmen often forget that while they are gone at school that life is changing at home too. Things don’t stay completely the same. You change and home life changes too.
You may already have plans for her room once she leaves, but she has no idea. Your new college student may be shocked and even upset if she arrives home at Thanksgiving break or the holiday break to find all of her belongings stored in an attic or basement. You can prevent this unpleasantness by asking her before she leaves home. Asking this question also communicates respect for her belongings.
Your freshman probably has specific ideas about where and how she would like her things stored. While you may not be able to accommodate all of her requests, knowing what she prefers can help guide you.
7. What snacks or home-cooked meals are your favorite?
You want home to be special, and sending small reminders of home to a stressed out college freshman can mean the world. Knowing what treats your freshman loves will help you know how to send some love when the going gets rough.
Ask about favorite meals, tasty quick meals, or late night snacks that can help fuel your student who is pressed for time. Compile a list and look for deals on those items when shopping. Then, send items you can in care packages.
Care packages are an excellent way to encourage a weary college freshman. Not only are they small ways in which you can demonstrate love, but they can also be a way in which you can provide for some real needs your freshman may not have money to buy. If you want guidelines on the best items to send and when to send care packages, view my post “Putting the Care in Care Package.”
8. What coffee shops or fast food restaurants are your favorite?
Depending on how financially responsible or aware your freshman is, she may struggle to socialize with people due to a lack of funds. Spending time with friends without money to spend is difficult and usually awkward. So, providing an occasional gift card may help her meet, get to know, and spend time with new people.
Additionally, having money to purchase needed food items and caffeinated beverages is helpful for a poor college student. While you want her to learn to budget her own money, sending a $5 or $10 gift card may help more than you realize.
There were many occasions in college in which I didn’t have money to go to Starbucks. I felt awkward having to explain why I couldn’t study at a coffee shop with a friend. I felt slightly helpless to when trying to compensate someone for a ride, because I couldn’t offer to help pay for gas. I realize now that on some of those occasions I should’ve merely asked my parents for a little help—even if their help was in the form of a small gift card.
9. How can I encourage you?
You probably feel like you know your child very well. You know what she likes, what she dislikes, what she needs, etc. But the longer she is away from home, the more she will change. Before she leaves, sit down and discuss the challenges ahead as well as the help you’re willing to provide.
One specific way every college parent can help is encouraging. Your college freshman needs your support, even if you can’t provide financial support. Merely being there for her, even if you’re just supporting her over the phone, makes a difference.
Because every child is different, asking her how you can encourage her throughout the school year will mean a lot to her. Why? You’re showing you care in a meaningful way. Learn what communicates care to her specifically, and aim to encourage her in ways that truly make a difference to her.
10. What can I do to help you be a success?
This question may be met with some silence. Your freshman likely will have to think before giving a truly insightful answer. Helping your child be a success in college without being physically there may seem impossible, but you can do many things to help.
You may have to return to this question later if your freshman doesn’t have an answer yet. Because she’s not currently in the thick of college, she may not be sure what to tell you. But the very act of you asking this question communicates volumes.
If your child does have a response aimed at you, you may feel the sting of some personal criticism. Try to view this maybe poorly worded response as an attempt to give you some feedback. Take her personal comments with a grain of salt, because her aim is likely not to hurt or shame you but to answer your question.
Asking questions can often yield more than hours of talking can. Before your child leaves for college, be sure to spend some time asking these questions. You will save yourself frustration and learn how to help your freshman succeed.
